First a flood, then a drought

It feels like it's time for an update.

I'm coming towards, what I hope is, the end of my chemo. The schedule has me down for one more treatment and then scans to see how the therapy has worked. I don't feel too positive about it. I'm sure that I'm not done.

The last couple of months have brought a relatively new part of my cancer to light; pain. Until now, the cancer itself has not caused me any pain. When it all started I had an infection that hurt quite a bit. All of the surgeries brought post-op pain with them. At one point I also had some adhesions that brought an almost unbearable pain. With all of that, the cancer itself has never hurt, but of course that has changed. Last month I had to take another trip into the hospital for excruciating pain in my abdomen and chest. The general consensus was that it was the tumors causing the pain. I've been on a fairly regular regimen of narcotics since then. The pain has subsided a little, and I'm less and less dependent on the pills, but it still stings a little.

So that's the basics. On the psychological and emotional fronts, things have been a bit rocky as well. The last few days in particular, have been difficult. I'm back into my head. Back into thinking about the enormity of the situation, about the absolute hugeness of cancer. As I began this post I thought I was going to be able to share with you the sadness and dull grinding of the situation, but now I find that I cannot. You have heard it all before, as I have laid it all out before. Cancer is bad. Chemo is bad. This is horrible. Blah Blah Blah.

I'll try and regroup and see if I can't find the words. For now, know that I'm trying, and the trying is harder. I love you all.

B