Long time no see!!! How the hell are ya?

Yes, it's been quite some time since I've taken a moment to write. It has been difficult.

There was a time in my life when the biggest decision I had to make was which bar was I going to hang out at tonight. A time when my biggest concern was that my apartment was a mess. A time when the wost I would felt physically was the inevitable winter stomach virus I would have to power through for a few days. Those days seem so far ago, and almost impossible to return to.

After several months of some of the worse chemo I've been through in the last 4 years, last week I had a scan to determine the results of the treatment and find how the little buggers in my gut were faring.

Well....turns out, as I've typed too many times before, I still have cancer. According to my oncologist, based on opinions from two different radiologists, the tumors either grew slightly or did not change at all. My oncologist agrees with the latter. So much for the good news.

Sitting in his office, my mind kept turning over again and again "they're bigger. It's growing" and man was I pissed. I did nothing to suppress my anger as my doctor tried to reassure me that things were not all that bad. There are still plenty of options and there is good news here. The cancer hasn't spread. But still, in my brain, "they're bigger. It's growing".

After some days to reflect and calm down I somehow found my strength and usual optimistic attitude. I'm ok with with "They haven't changed at all" now. So what do we do? The current plan is to revisit some of the drugs that have worked before, but apply them in different dosages and in different combinations. Sounds like a plan.

For the last week or so I've been on a fairly violent roller coaster. I've still got this unbelievable pain in my abdominal area. A pain that my doctors, all of my doctors, have been unable to explain. I've been seeing a doctor for pain management, and he has me on a constant supply of meds via a transdermal patch, with pills for those times when the pain seems to get past the protection of the plastic glued to my arm. The pills have come in handy, as the pain does get unbearable from time to time. I am going to see my pain doctor next week, and I suspect he'll increase the amount of medicine in the patch.

That's it for now. Yeah, pretty clinical and straight forward. I can't even begin to examine my emotional state from the last couple of months. There have been many days where I couldn't face the reality of anything. I just lay on my father's couch, crying, wondering, throwing up. I've been angry, frustrated, sad, accepting, understanding, hopeless, blah blah blah. I'm going to try and get to some writing. Maybe in this blog, maybe just in journals. I'm going to discuss the situation with the musses and see if I can't find my solace, as I have so many times in my life, in scribbling out some poetry. I might even start talking to my friends again. We shall see.

I love you all, even though I may seem to be hermitting myself away.

Billy