I had chemo today. Did all the usual stuff; met with the doctor, talked about future treatments, got my poison, came home. I'm not feeling too bad physically, but I know that'll all change tomorrow.
Today I'm going to be terse, and devoid of any creative prose. Of all the emotions I've touched on in this blog, anger has had the least coverage. It's not really that I haven't shared with you my anger, but I've actually not been that angry. I think being angry is useless and detrimental. I try to let it go, to not hold a grudge, to not let things get to me. But dammit, I'm pissed off!!
My doctor told me today that there will be at least two more chemo treatments, even if my scan on July 3rd is clean. I know that I wrote that I expected this outcome, but COME ON!! I'm not mad at him, or my dad, though the two of them bore the brunt when I yelled something ridiculous and incoherent at them in the office. I'm not mad at god, or GOD, for giving me the disease. I'm not mad at the nurses who smile sweetly while injecting the poison in my veins, nor am I mad at this screwed up website that somehow lost the original version of this post that took me two hours to write just now, but I'm friggin pissed at something, that's for damn sure.
This whole thing is just really getting on my nerves. Why the hell did this happen to me?? I've done some screwed up things in my life, I'll be the first to admit it, but certainly nothing to deserve this. When is it going to end?? All the friggin surgery, two rounds of chemo, and the outlook doesn't offer a break, EVER! This is how my life is going to be from now until the day those little bastard cancer cells decide to take over everything. Sure, maybe it won't kill me. Maybe they'll just take out the rest of my colon and replace it with a handy bag I can wear on my hip to carry my shit around. That will be great, the chicks love that. Or maybe they'll find some other organ to invade, and I can spend the rest of my life hooked up to a machine. That should make camping much more fun.
On top of all the wonderful physical hurdles I'm going to endure the next few days, I'm going to have to try very hard not to go off on my dad. He doesn't make me angry, but he's the one that's here. Of course it's not fair, but he loves me enough to understand that I'm not angry at him, just angry, and frustrated, and overwhelmed, and beat down, and scared, angry. Did I mention I'm angry?
I want to pound out so much more on this keyboard, but my mind is just not firing right now. There is this Kubrick-world haze around me and I'm not sure what I'm thinking.
A small disclaimer; I understand, and very much appreciate all the love and consideration you my friends have shown me. I know that some of you read my posts and want to just reach out and care for me right away, and that's fantastic. But don't worry about me. Don't think I'm laying around on my dad's couch thinking about going outside and killing some squirrels. Don't think for even a second that I'm going to let this beat me down. I'll be fine, I will. But for today I need to be pissed off.
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3 comments:
Hey Billy,
Getting angry is part of it. I remember after the fire, and the dressings being changed, it would hurt way too much, and you just want to punch a wall, then you realize, that is only going to hurt more. The whole damned situation is rotten. Who knows, maybe getting angry about it will help.
If You Look Closely, You Can See...
Quasi-thug #1: So if I got the first season, you would watch it with me?
Quasi-thug #2: Fuck yeah. It's the fucking Golden Girls, yo.
--Port Authority via Overheard in New York, Jun 13, 2006
Hey lunchbox! First off, I don't know what you've went through in terms of surgery, etc., but you have a FUCKING right to be angry. I just read your recent post and I don't fully understand why you're mad at your dad-when you say because he's still here, so I will throw in my relation, as to why I am pissed at my father occassionally-recently, less than often-as in the past. My mom died 8 years ago, she never did too much to abuse her body-she smoked, but other than that, my dad, is 71, he has just been diagnosed with his 5th malignancy-also colon cancer-I just had my total colon removed in March because I have HNPCC genetic colon cancer. My father is an alcoholic, he has been ever since I could remember, used to do terrible shit to us when I was a kid, not sexual crap or anything like that, but he would chase us around the house with a gun and shit, anywho, I was livid that my mom died and he is still here, after her death, now I've gotten better with it. -Off soapbox-
Now for you, get angry if you want, fuck the squirrels, kill some assholes-I can send a few your way if you don't have ample supply! I am pissed at this disease too, somedays worst than others, love the comment about the smiley nurses too btw, feel whatever you want, whenever you want!
Take care dearie!
P.S. I looked at your website, and the pics, you've got to tell me everything you know about London, I've always wanted to go there!
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