This one just rambles on without cohesion.

When I started this blog I really did intend to write often and on a regular schedule. As with most other things in my life though, I've had to switch my plans around quite a bit as new and different circumstances arise. There are two main reasons why I write here; first is to keep my friends that I don't actually speak to all that often, informed of my situation, the second reason is that it is a catharsis, a way for me to confront my own personal issues. Seeing my feelings written out in my own words often helps me to cope with them.

The last couple of weeks have been, to say the least, difficult. You may remember that the last bit of news from my oncologist was not very promising. My last dose of chemo hit me pretty hard, but I do have to admit that I think I recovered from it fairly well. It seems that my body may be getting used to some of the side effects, and is able to correct itself a little quicker. It's been 7 months of chemo now, so I say it's about time!

Life is to be lived. Surely it may seem cliche to say, but every day is new and offers new opportunity. I have always believed that I should grab as much from world as I am able. When I'm in a positive mood I feel like the cancer has just slowed me down only a bit, taken but a week out of my life every now and then. It can't stop me. But...then...there are the days. The days I take a deep breath and realize the reality of the situation. The reality of what cancer can do to a body. The reality of what the chemo does to me. The reality of my own mortality. I've had my days of tears tempered with the company of good friends. I've had the moments of dread eased with times of play. I've had the depression of my illness balanced with the manic sessions of hilarity. In the last couple of weeks I've had sleepless nights, moments of exhaustion, physical manifestations of fear, severe pain in my leg, headaches, and numerous gi issues. I've also had a great time with Chris as we went to see Clerks II, a couple of nights out at a local tavern with Paul and Adam and Joe and Mike and Michael-Ann, a quite night in with Kathy, and some good days at work. For a guy with tumors floating around his body, I've been very busy boy.

I'm not quite sure what I want you to know by telling you all of this. Honestly and simply, I'm sick, and I'm scared, and I'm worried, but I'm trying my best to live a life worthy of the fight I give to live that life.

When I die, I don't want a funeral. I'm not very religious, so the ceremony of a Catholic mass is not important to me. I don't want to be buried, I want to be cremated. I don't want my ashes put in a mausoleum, I want the spread, everywhere. What I do want is a party, a huge party, with all my family and friends, good food and lots of beer. I like beer. You may all take a brief moment to cry for my loss, but not too long. I want you all to sit around, feasting and drinking and telling stories. This is how I want to live my life, and so this is how you can best show respect to me when that life is done. I'm not saying that I am going to die any time soon, though that is a real possibility. I'm just telling you all this because I want it down in writing, I want it well known. This way, when the time comes, there is no question about my wishes.

As always I would like to thank those of you who check this blog from time to time, and especially those who drop me a note. As I struggle, all of you give me strength to fight. Lance, I love you like a brother.

...and then he said "No way! Penguins just aren't my thing."

Today will be brief. You'll see why.

Vacation was wonderful. It was gray, and rained most days, but being with my family was a lot of fun. I'll try and post more about this later.

I had some good experiences last week as well. I'll try and get to those later.

And now onto the whole reason I started this thing; the cancer. I got the results of my latest cat/pet scan today before my chemo injections. The good news is that the cancer is still there. Hmm...that's not so good actually. Ok, the good news is that I'm going to continue chemo for another two or three months. Wow, that's not so good either. How about this; the good news is that they are going to be more aggressive and raise the dose on the chemo. Yeah, ok, looks like there is no good news.

I'm sure there is some good news in all of this somewhere. Sugary, sappy, happy-hug-the-world-touchy-feely-at-least-you're-alive good news. And I suppose the fact that nothing grew or spread, and that the doctor feels that the chemo is actually working, is good news. But for today, as I sit here beginning to feel the onset of the chemo side effects, I'm going to be sad and upset and downtrodden and bleak. I don't think I'll be allowed to be for much longer, so I'll just enjoy my misery.

carpe diem, and all that jazz