The duck goes quack. The cow goes moo.

Something isn't right. I can't put my finger on it, but I just don't feel right. I'm not physically ill, well, except for the cancer. I'm not depressed. I'm having a lot of trouble sleeping. I cannot escape my own synapses. The air is wrong. Warped. The hours don't make sense, and the minutes aren't talking.

I've entered a strange new phase of my carcinomic marathon. My current treatment only takes a few hours a week, and doesn't make me sick, so I'm back to working full weeks. Not only am I back at my desk, I've got new responsibilities, and have been thrown in, feet first, to the deep end of a huge project that has me working even on my days off. I've worked these types of projects before, I actually like it, but this is the first time I've had to work this hard, work all these extra hours, attend all these meetings, interact with all these people, and still remember that I have cancer. Most of my day is too busy for me to think about it, but the reality is that it is still there, the tumor is still there, the disease is still there. Most of the people I'm working with don't know about it. They are aware that I have an odd schedule, and that once a week I work from home, but I don't think they know why. I'm fighting dichotomies now. I'm well enough to work, and I'm good at it, but there are times when my body reminds me that I'm not well. I don't want the people I'm working with to expect any less of me because I'm sick, but I have to work even harder to compensate. I don't want to use cancer as an excuse, but at times it is a reason.

Over the last couple of months I've had to think a lot about the cancer that's left in my body. I've had to weigh the options of treatments. I won't know if this current drug is working on the tumor for a few weeks, but I suspect it isn't. I've decided I want this damn interloper out of me. I'm going to meet with a surgeon at Sloan-Kettering on December 14th. I expect that I will be going into surgery in January, most likely in NYC.

The Holidays are upon us. I won't even begin to try and explain what a tornado this is spinning in my imagination.

To all my friends, I wish you well. I hope to see some of you soon.

Billy