I'm just the guy; who does the thing.

I was laying in bed last night, my mind wandering through every possible maze the universe has to offer when I found myself in a conversation with someone, explaining to them that I have cancer. Cancer. The word, though a major player in my vocabulary for several years, hit me harder than ever. I have cancer. You ever seen what this shit does to kids? (well, people, but the reference would have gotten lost if I didn't use "kids") Here I am, going onto my third year with this, and the width and breadth of the disease is just hitting me now?

I can see how this could happen. I've been so busy paying attention to my treatment, to my surgical recoveries, to getting through it, that I haven't actually looked at "it". Sure, it may seem as if I've had my head wrapped around it for quite some time, but looks like I've just been faking it. I can talk a good game.

I think, sometime in the next couple of weeks I'm going to find myself at my keyboard, late one night, spewing out another deep existential look at this whole mess, it's been a while. But for now I'll just give you an update on the facts of the case.

If you've been keeping up, you know that my tumor grew a little since July. My oncologist has started me on a new drug called erbitux. This drug is not a chemo therapy, it's what is called a "targeted" therapy. The drug is specifically targeting the tumor, and should not make me sick like chemo. It will, however, give me a fairly bad rash after a few weeks. As if I wasn't ugly enough.

I also spoke to my surgeon. He said that surgery might be a good option at this point. It would be major, and put me out for about a month, but it's on the list of options.

Tomorrow I am going to see a doctor at Sloan-Kettering. For those of you not familiar with this facility, it is one of the top cancer research institutes in the country. My oncologist suggested it, and he said that I'm a prime candidate for clinical trials. We'll see what they have to say.

In the mean time, I'm battling my demons left and right. I'm having trouble sleeping. I'm cranky, and tired and mad and just...well....just......arrrrggggggg

In the mean time I'm enjoying every moment I can! Personally I believe in the curing properties of beer.

love you all