I've always said that I was a passionate person, and that I am glad I am. I believe that being passionate means that you feel more deeply, and act accordingly. A good friend of mine once asked if I thought that we felt more because we are writers. I told her that I thought we are writers because we feel more. Passion requires and generates both feeling and action. Passionate people ride the proverbial roller coaster, experiencing life on the edges of manic depression. Polar opposites are often needed in order to understand either side of the equation. Without hot, one does not really understand cold. Without dark, one does not really understand light. For passion, without sadness, one does not really understand happiness. Such is my life with cancer.
The last couple of days have been absolutely fantastic! Yesterday I had lunch with two friends, Mike and Mike, that I have known since I was a teenager. We spent a few hours together just eating and talking. I also got to spend time with Briana, Mike's 3 year old daughter. I don't know if it is because I am getting older, or a consequence of my recent life experiences, but I am starting to see a lot more joy in spending time with children. Briana brought a book of Disney stories from her room, plopped herself on the couch next to me and asked me to read to her. It was a book she was well familiar with, at least the pictures. I read a few words of a page and she said "next page" while grabbing a handful of the book and turning. There, in the middle of another story, I began to read to her again. Every now and then she told me stories about the characters in the pictures and then would want to move onto a new page again. We did this for about 10 minutes, and I really don't know who had a better time, her or me. This was a simple day, and it was the simplicity of it that made it exceptional.
My friend Chris' family gets together once a year to hand make smoked kielbasa. Last night Chris mentioned to me that today was sausage day and told me if I would like, to join them. As I laid on the couch this morning, figuring out what to do with my day, I thought back to other sausage days I had attended, and about how much I loved Chris' family, and I decided to go. There were so many things about today that made it wonderful. First of all I spent time with Chris, his wife, and his two little boys Simon and Sebastian. I cannot even begin to explain the love I have for them all. The boys, along with a couple of cousins, spent the day running around the backyard, going from one activity to another without missing a beat. As I sat around the smoker with Chris, a couple of uncles and a couple of cousins, we watched the flurry of activity. We talked about how great it is to be a kid. The little ones found incredible amounts of fun in the simplest acts. One of Chris' cousins has a little daughter. Her name is Melissa and she is about 3 years old. I've known her since she was born, but I don't spend enough time around the family that she remembered who I am. At one point she was sitting on her dad's lap, her bright blue eyes framed with golden blond hair, laughing and giggling at all the grown ups. I caught her glancing over to me every now and then, and with the aid of my baseball cap, we played a small game of hide and seek. With every chuckle she let out, the clouds let in a little more sunshine.
Chris' family, since we met in high school, has always treated me with love and respect, like family. Chris' mom has always treated me like one of her own, and at times, better. His aunts, his uncles, his cousins, have over the years invited me into their homes, to celebrate the holidays, to share their happiness, and to commiserate their sadness. We have all shared births, chirstenings, birthdays, weddings, and deaths. They are a part of my family, and I thiers.
Chris has three cousins around our age, Ron, Lauren and Lisa. Ron is a strong and amazing father. For reasons I won't go into here, he has often showed me how strong the human spirit can be. Lauren and Lisa are two of the most awesome women I know. Funny, smart, strong, and oh yeah, gorgeous.
Not having seen them for a while, many of them asked about my cancer and treatment. Mostly it was the same sort of questions I get on a routine basis: how are you?; how is the treatment?; how much longer do you have to go? But there was one question that sort of surprised me. Chris' brother Colin, a fantastic friend over the years, asked, and I'm paraphrasing here "are you going to live or die?" Colin, if you are reading this, I want thank you so much for asking that question. Too many people are very uncomfortable asking, but it is a huge part of what I'm going through. Even though it took you a little bit to get those words together before you asked, it was an utterly refreshing sign of concern. I was relieved to finally answer that question to someone.
These are the reasons to live, the reasons I struggle through the weeks of agony from the chemo. Friends, family, children, being loved and loving, the simple day, stimulating conversation, playing hide and seek using a baseball cap, and beautiful women. Are ya with me!?
Sunday, March 26, 2006
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
C'mon! Put the shovel down and step away from the clown.
Benjamin Franklin once said "In this world nothing is certain but death and taxes."
It's a cycle. We are born, we live, and then we die. If we're lucky, somewhere along the way we get to enjoy a good steak and a beer in the company of a good woman.
On March 24th, 1969, in Teaneck New Jersey, my cycle began. Right now I'm paying my taxes. You know which part is left. Next Wednesday I'm going to have a cat scan to determine the efficacy of the chemo treatment and the progress of the cancer. Cat scans have been a regular part of my regimen for the last two years. In September 2004 it was a cat scan that found the first tumor. In early 2005, cat scans found other traces of cancer. Last summer I had a cat scan which, at the time, showed no signs of lingering cancer, it suggested I might be in remission. I spent a few months getting back to my old self. It seemed that all the fighting was worth while, that it had all worked. As a matter of procedure I was scheduled for a cat scan in December. I was a bit anxious about this one. Of course everyone, including myself, stayed positive. We knew that the scan would show that I was still cancer free, but in the back of my mind was the glimmer of the thought that it might show otherwise. Everyone said "don't' worry, it will be fine". The week in between the scan and discussing the results with my doctor, I was a little nervous. Thankfully I was in southern California for work that week, where the sun was warm and bright. I also got to hang out with Dave for the few days right before my doctor's appointment. All of this helped me to relax. I flew home, steeled myself, and went to see my oncologist. BAM, relapse. An interesting and curious side note here; I had a wonderful week right before I found out that I still had cancer which mirrored, in a way, my initial diagnosis. I had spent 3 months traveling around Europe right before they found the first tumor. There is a whole discussion I had with myself regarding the idea that the cosmos, (or God if you prefer) had given me this great opportunity because it was about to kick my ass real good. But that's a story for another post.
It's another double helix cosmic twist that my birthday is Friday, and my next cat scan is the following week. With these two dates converging as the current lunar phase comes to an end, my overactive mind has been keeping me up at night thinking about death, about my death. "Billy! How dare you!! You have to think positive" you say? Let's recap a little here. From the time I was 5, in my immediate family alone, I have lost my grandfather Carmello, my uncle Bobby, my uncle Tony, my aunt Dotty, my grandmother Rose, my aunt Josephine, my aunt JoAnne, my grandmother Anne and my mother. Cancer, the very same disease that is skulking around my body, took 5 of them, and I was there for each one. Throw in the overwhelming events of the last two years, including my past experiences with radiology, and it's easy to see how I'm obsessing over my next cat scan. My family history, along with a 12 year career in EMS, has given me, what I feel is, a healthy attitude about death; it's part of the cycle, it's natural, it's life. Not so much when I'm thinking about my own demise.
For now, I will spare you the exact details of my current anxieties, it is enough that you know that I'm coming apart at the seems, and falling further down the spiral. While the chances are good that the results of my cat scan will be encouraging, there is also a very real likelihood that my cancer has not retreated. There is a very real possibility that the cancer has grown, and there is no stopping it. Do you get that? It is not far fetched, it is solidly based in reality, that I could die from this. I'm spending my nights flipping around on my mattress, alone, counting the dimples in my drop ceiling. Or I'm squirming around on my couch while horribly inane shows flicker across my tv screen. Or I'm sitting in a dark room, smoke curling from my cigarette, pounding out incomprehensible drivel on my computer. Welcome to my world boys and girls.
Benjamin Franklin also said "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
It's a cycle. We are born, we live, and then we die. If we're lucky, somewhere along the way we get to enjoy a good steak and a beer in the company of a good woman.
On March 24th, 1969, in Teaneck New Jersey, my cycle began. Right now I'm paying my taxes. You know which part is left. Next Wednesday I'm going to have a cat scan to determine the efficacy of the chemo treatment and the progress of the cancer. Cat scans have been a regular part of my regimen for the last two years. In September 2004 it was a cat scan that found the first tumor. In early 2005, cat scans found other traces of cancer. Last summer I had a cat scan which, at the time, showed no signs of lingering cancer, it suggested I might be in remission. I spent a few months getting back to my old self. It seemed that all the fighting was worth while, that it had all worked. As a matter of procedure I was scheduled for a cat scan in December. I was a bit anxious about this one. Of course everyone, including myself, stayed positive. We knew that the scan would show that I was still cancer free, but in the back of my mind was the glimmer of the thought that it might show otherwise. Everyone said "don't' worry, it will be fine". The week in between the scan and discussing the results with my doctor, I was a little nervous. Thankfully I was in southern California for work that week, where the sun was warm and bright. I also got to hang out with Dave for the few days right before my doctor's appointment. All of this helped me to relax. I flew home, steeled myself, and went to see my oncologist. BAM, relapse. An interesting and curious side note here; I had a wonderful week right before I found out that I still had cancer which mirrored, in a way, my initial diagnosis. I had spent 3 months traveling around Europe right before they found the first tumor. There is a whole discussion I had with myself regarding the idea that the cosmos, (or God if you prefer) had given me this great opportunity because it was about to kick my ass real good. But that's a story for another post.
It's another double helix cosmic twist that my birthday is Friday, and my next cat scan is the following week. With these two dates converging as the current lunar phase comes to an end, my overactive mind has been keeping me up at night thinking about death, about my death. "Billy! How dare you!! You have to think positive" you say? Let's recap a little here. From the time I was 5, in my immediate family alone, I have lost my grandfather Carmello, my uncle Bobby, my uncle Tony, my aunt Dotty, my grandmother Rose, my aunt Josephine, my aunt JoAnne, my grandmother Anne and my mother. Cancer, the very same disease that is skulking around my body, took 5 of them, and I was there for each one. Throw in the overwhelming events of the last two years, including my past experiences with radiology, and it's easy to see how I'm obsessing over my next cat scan. My family history, along with a 12 year career in EMS, has given me, what I feel is, a healthy attitude about death; it's part of the cycle, it's natural, it's life. Not so much when I'm thinking about my own demise.
For now, I will spare you the exact details of my current anxieties, it is enough that you know that I'm coming apart at the seems, and falling further down the spiral. While the chances are good that the results of my cat scan will be encouraging, there is also a very real likelihood that my cancer has not retreated. There is a very real possibility that the cancer has grown, and there is no stopping it. Do you get that? It is not far fetched, it is solidly based in reality, that I could die from this. I'm spending my nights flipping around on my mattress, alone, counting the dimples in my drop ceiling. Or I'm squirming around on my couch while horribly inane shows flicker across my tv screen. Or I'm sitting in a dark room, smoke curling from my cigarette, pounding out incomprehensible drivel on my computer. Welcome to my world boys and girls.
Benjamin Franklin also said "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
Live Loudly
Grab the horn and sound loudly
Us warriors of 6th avenue!
you waitresses, you cabbies
you students, you accountants
Stomp your soles loudly
and shout to the sky
Us warriors of 6th avenue!
you computer techs, you firemen
you couriers, you teachers
Breath it loudly
and proclaim your yalp
that today is here!
And stop...
...and look
And stop...
...and look
For a brief moment
see me, see them
in this secret minute
You are in my life
and I in yours!
See us here!
Us warriors of 6th avenue!
Each with pages of past
and unwritten days of future
the millions of stories
will all have as this chapter
the same words
Us warriors of 6th avenue!
you tailors, you brokers,
you nurses, you lawyers
Hang loudly from street lights
on every corner
Dance and see me spin upon this one brick
It is now and here and this bright sun and our loud avenue!
Us warriors of 6th avenue!
you craftsmen, you mechanics
you pilots, you actors
Wrap yourself wholly, bathe and devour
and drip it loudly from your lips!
It is ours
and never again to be the same
Us warriors of 6th avenue!
Us warriors of 6th avenue!
you waitresses, you cabbies
you students, you accountants
Stomp your soles loudly
and shout to the sky
Us warriors of 6th avenue!
you computer techs, you firemen
you couriers, you teachers
Breath it loudly
and proclaim your yalp
that today is here!
And stop...
...and look
And stop...
...and look
For a brief moment
see me, see them
in this secret minute
You are in my life
and I in yours!
See us here!
Us warriors of 6th avenue!
Each with pages of past
and unwritten days of future
the millions of stories
will all have as this chapter
the same words
Us warriors of 6th avenue!
you tailors, you brokers,
you nurses, you lawyers
Hang loudly from street lights
on every corner
Dance and see me spin upon this one brick
It is now and here and this bright sun and our loud avenue!
Us warriors of 6th avenue!
you craftsmen, you mechanics
you pilots, you actors
Wrap yourself wholly, bathe and devour
and drip it loudly from your lips!
It is ours
and never again to be the same
Us warriors of 6th avenue!
Thursday, March 16, 2006
Don't tell anyone
I'm going to let you in on a little secret; I'm sick. This whole thing is kicking my ass, the cancer, the chemo, it all sucks. I'm not having a good week. I don't know how much more of this I can take.
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire
You need to stop playing round with all them clowns and the wangstas/ Good girls gotta get down with them gangstas/ Go head girl put some back and some neck up on it/ While I stand up in the background and check up on it
Today was chemo day. I had two ideas for today's post, one sullen and sort of sad, the other bright and upbeat. I feel like I've bitched and moaned a lot about this whole cancer thing, so I've decided to write about the good parts of having cancer.
...
...
...
yeah, OK, there are no good parts of having cancer, but I still want to be positive today, even though cancer and chemo really really suck.
Ohh Boy you looking like you like what you see/ Won't you come over check up on it,/ I'ma let you work up on it/ Ladies let em check up on it,/ watch it while he check up on it/ Dip it,/ pop it,/ twirk it,/ stop it,/ check on me tonight
My t-shirt for today proclaims "My oncologist is better than your oncologist". I got a few smiles from patients in the waiting room, and chuckles from some of the nurses. My oncologist loved it. He really is a great doctor, and we share the same sense of humor. Good news/bad news today; I'm going to have a cat scan next week to check on the progress of the chemo, and I'm getting an extra week off this round, and he kept the dosage low, but we're still looking at two or three months of chemo.
If you got it flaunt it,/ boy I know you want it/ While I turn around you watch me check up on it/ Oohhh you watchin me shake it,/ I see it in ya face /Ya can't take it,/ it's blazin,/ you watch me in amazement/ You can look at it,/ as long as you don't grab it/ If you don't go braggin/, I might let you have it/ You think that I'm teasin/, but I ain't got no reason/ I'm sure that I can please you/, but first I gotta read you
I was in a fairly good mood today. I was talkative, and smiles while getting my chemo. I don't know what is wrong with me! Of course, I had a good time last week. I was able to go out, see some friends and have fun. I had not one, not two, not even just three, but five different flirty moments last week. This never happens to me, women don't hit on me, ask anyone, but last week was the exception. Sunday Chris and I went to a movie and then did something we haven't done since college, we just drove for a few hours. I also got to see his sons, and Simon called me Uncle Billy for the first time! He remembered who I was. Yeah, you can see why I've been in a good mood.
I can tell you wanna taste it,/ but I'm gone make you chase it/ You got to be patient,/ I like my men patient/ More patience,/ you take might get you in more places/ You can't be abrasive,/ have to know to pace it/ If I let you get up on it,/ you gotta make a promise/ That you gone put it on me,/ like no ones put it on me/ Don't bore me,/ just show me,/ all men talk but don't please./ I can be a tease,/ but I really wanna please you
The thing that made me happiest today though was music. I powered up my mp3 player and had the ear plugs in for the whole day. It's amazing how a song can change the way you feel. While I tapped away to an eclectic list of songs ranging from classical to hard core industrial, there was one song that I kept going back to today. Can you guess what it is yet? I think you can. Yup, against all expectations you may have about me, it was Beyonce's "Check On It"
I'm checking on you boo,/ do what chu do/ And while I dance/ I'ma glance/ at this beautiful view/ I'm keep my hands in my pants,/ I need to glue em with glue...
Say what you will about me, but this is a really catchy tune. I first heard it on the bland top 40 station here in NY. Don't ask me why I was even listening. Then I saw the video! Beyonce is right up there with Salma and Scarlett. Part of the reason I like the song is that in invokes a clear memory of her moving like no other human could ever move. Another reason I like this song is the lyrics are fun and playful, they are funny, they actually make me smile.
Ohh Boy you looking like you like what you see/ Won't you come over and check up on it,/ I'ma let you work up on it/ Ladies let em check up on it,/ watch it while he check up on it/ Dip it,/ pop it,/ twirk it,/ stop it,/ check on me tonight
If in the midst of all this crap I can find something to make me smile, be it cheesey or sublime, or popular, or inane, or whatever, I'm more than willing to put aside my intellectual snobbery and have a smile.
I would also like to add that you guys rock!! I love so much that you all take the time to check this blog. My writing is crap today, but you get the idea. To all the new friends I've made through this blog, thanks so much for your kind words. Dave, I know you cry about me when you're alone, I won't tell anyone. Jody, keep running, but sweetie don't kill yourself, pain is pain, from cancer or from depriving your muscles of needed nutrients, it's ok to bitch about it. Jenny, have fun in China, I miss you. Doug and Naomi, I have more wine. Charly, I hope you're feeling well. I miss you, but better we don't hang out too much given our conditions. I love you!!! Lance, we really need to get together soon and do some heavy damage to our livers. Heather....oh Heather....my goddess of meat and all things blue. You make me smile too, and with any luck, you'll get the chance to make me smile in person soon.
Today was chemo day. I had two ideas for today's post, one sullen and sort of sad, the other bright and upbeat. I feel like I've bitched and moaned a lot about this whole cancer thing, so I've decided to write about the good parts of having cancer.
...
...
...
yeah, OK, there are no good parts of having cancer, but I still want to be positive today, even though cancer and chemo really really suck.
Ohh Boy you looking like you like what you see/ Won't you come over check up on it,/ I'ma let you work up on it/ Ladies let em check up on it,/ watch it while he check up on it/ Dip it,/ pop it,/ twirk it,/ stop it,/ check on me tonight
My t-shirt for today proclaims "My oncologist is better than your oncologist". I got a few smiles from patients in the waiting room, and chuckles from some of the nurses. My oncologist loved it. He really is a great doctor, and we share the same sense of humor. Good news/bad news today; I'm going to have a cat scan next week to check on the progress of the chemo, and I'm getting an extra week off this round, and he kept the dosage low, but we're still looking at two or three months of chemo.
If you got it flaunt it,/ boy I know you want it/ While I turn around you watch me check up on it/ Oohhh you watchin me shake it,/ I see it in ya face /Ya can't take it,/ it's blazin,/ you watch me in amazement/ You can look at it,/ as long as you don't grab it/ If you don't go braggin/, I might let you have it/ You think that I'm teasin/, but I ain't got no reason/ I'm sure that I can please you/, but first I gotta read you
I was in a fairly good mood today. I was talkative, and smiles while getting my chemo. I don't know what is wrong with me! Of course, I had a good time last week. I was able to go out, see some friends and have fun. I had not one, not two, not even just three, but five different flirty moments last week. This never happens to me, women don't hit on me, ask anyone, but last week was the exception. Sunday Chris and I went to a movie and then did something we haven't done since college, we just drove for a few hours. I also got to see his sons, and Simon called me Uncle Billy for the first time! He remembered who I was. Yeah, you can see why I've been in a good mood.
I can tell you wanna taste it,/ but I'm gone make you chase it/ You got to be patient,/ I like my men patient/ More patience,/ you take might get you in more places/ You can't be abrasive,/ have to know to pace it/ If I let you get up on it,/ you gotta make a promise/ That you gone put it on me,/ like no ones put it on me/ Don't bore me,/ just show me,/ all men talk but don't please./ I can be a tease,/ but I really wanna please you
The thing that made me happiest today though was music. I powered up my mp3 player and had the ear plugs in for the whole day. It's amazing how a song can change the way you feel. While I tapped away to an eclectic list of songs ranging from classical to hard core industrial, there was one song that I kept going back to today. Can you guess what it is yet? I think you can. Yup, against all expectations you may have about me, it was Beyonce's "Check On It"
I'm checking on you boo,/ do what chu do/ And while I dance/ I'ma glance/ at this beautiful view/ I'm keep my hands in my pants,/ I need to glue em with glue...
Say what you will about me, but this is a really catchy tune. I first heard it on the bland top 40 station here in NY. Don't ask me why I was even listening. Then I saw the video! Beyonce is right up there with Salma and Scarlett. Part of the reason I like the song is that in invokes a clear memory of her moving like no other human could ever move. Another reason I like this song is the lyrics are fun and playful, they are funny, they actually make me smile.
Ohh Boy you looking like you like what you see/ Won't you come over and check up on it,/ I'ma let you work up on it/ Ladies let em check up on it,/ watch it while he check up on it/ Dip it,/ pop it,/ twirk it,/ stop it,/ check on me tonight
If in the midst of all this crap I can find something to make me smile, be it cheesey or sublime, or popular, or inane, or whatever, I'm more than willing to put aside my intellectual snobbery and have a smile.
I would also like to add that you guys rock!! I love so much that you all take the time to check this blog. My writing is crap today, but you get the idea. To all the new friends I've made through this blog, thanks so much for your kind words. Dave, I know you cry about me when you're alone, I won't tell anyone. Jody, keep running, but sweetie don't kill yourself, pain is pain, from cancer or from depriving your muscles of needed nutrients, it's ok to bitch about it. Jenny, have fun in China, I miss you. Doug and Naomi, I have more wine. Charly, I hope you're feeling well. I miss you, but better we don't hang out too much given our conditions. I love you!!! Lance, we really need to get together soon and do some heavy damage to our livers. Heather....oh Heather....my goddess of meat and all things blue. You make me smile too, and with any luck, you'll get the chance to make me smile in person soon.
Saturday, March 11, 2006
Gather ye rosebuds
My spirituality has more to do with the natural world around me than with organized religion. There are strong connections between one's physical, emotional, and mental states and the condition of one's surroundings. Shakespeare often used the state of nature to mirror the political and emotional arenas in his plays. It is not always a direct cause and effect relationship. Most of the time it is a circumstantial and tangential arrangement, but none the less interesting and inspiring. In my little part of the world this week the weather has moved increasingly towards the onset of spring. As the days went by, the skies grew clearer, the sun brighter, the temperature warmer. As the world has increased in pleasantness so have I. This week, with every day, I felt stronger and happier. I went to work, I spoke with friends, I enjoyed an evening out at some old haunts. Today, as the day is glorious, I am looking forward to another evening of fun, and time spent tomorrow with my good friend Chris and two of my most favorite little boys in the world.
On Thursday, in a discussion with a friend at work, I realized that I was feeling great, but as always these days, it was a relative assessment. At another time it would have simply been just another day. It wasn't as if I had been given the ability to fly with x-ray vision and fight the injustices of the world. I simply was. But, when see through the tainted lenses of my experience the two weeks prior, Thursday seemed like the best day of my life. It is almost impossible to convey how wonderful it is to drink cold water.
I'm extremely grateful for these few days. I know that on Monday it will all disappear and I will once again be thrown into the abyss. But it is also days like this that help me to see clearer the need to continue to fight my way through the bad times.
I hope you all have as wonderful a weekend as I. Carpe the crap out of the diem!!!
On Thursday, in a discussion with a friend at work, I realized that I was feeling great, but as always these days, it was a relative assessment. At another time it would have simply been just another day. It wasn't as if I had been given the ability to fly with x-ray vision and fight the injustices of the world. I simply was. But, when see through the tainted lenses of my experience the two weeks prior, Thursday seemed like the best day of my life. It is almost impossible to convey how wonderful it is to drink cold water.
I'm extremely grateful for these few days. I know that on Monday it will all disappear and I will once again be thrown into the abyss. But it is also days like this that help me to see clearer the need to continue to fight my way through the bad times.
I hope you all have as wonderful a weekend as I. Carpe the crap out of the diem!!!
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Sunday, March 05, 2006
Never mind that Susan, for now we'll just hoof it.
Functional. Today I feel functional. I can more easily describe my physical settings in terms of things I am not rather than things I am. I am not nauseous. I am not having gi issues. I am not too clouded. In another world, on the other side of the wall, my life is different. I am things, there, the things I am not are the exceptions, not the rules.
What are you? How are you? Who are you? Questions we've all had to deal with either from external inquiry or personal introspection. There are certain frames of reference we all use to help us answer them. Our basic beliefs about ourselves are constant, but circumstances will often shape our overall opinion of ourselves. You thought differently of yourself in your 20's than you do in your 30's. Significant life changes occur such as moving or changing jobs. Cancer has irrevocably changed the gestalt from which I see myself. Every time I evaluate myself the answer will always be in terms of the cancer, or at least it is for now.
Even within the realm of my new world there are differences, but they are of course based on the disease. First I was a cancer patient, a young man with an old man's disease. Then I was a fighter, aggressively challenging the physical hurdles of surgery. Then I was a chemo patient, physically depleted but determined. I was a recoverer, a rehaber, a "getting better by the day" kinda guy. For a brief time I even allowed myself to be a survivor, an ex-cancer patient. If the relapse has taught me anything it is that I will forever, in some way shape or form, wear a scarlet C upon my chest, sometimes in defeat, sometimes in victory.
This week I will be allowed a brief glimpse of normalcy. I will go to work, I will see my friends, I will quite possibly enjoy a beer or two. Hopefully my mind will even be clear enough to do some writing. (more on that in a bit) When the week is over I will drag myself in for another treatment and start it all over again. But I'll worry about that next Sunday.
Throughout this ordeal I've had many occasions for self evaluation. As I've stated before, I feel that I have lead the best life possible for me. In the face of death I cannot see any reason to change my path. I carpe my diem, I'm ok. I've found some wonderful things about being Billy. Within the gestalt of my own being there are constants that comfort me in my times of need, provide me with a reason to continue the battle, and give me the strength needed to continue. The most important are my family and friends. I cannot begin to describe with any accuracy the depth of love and caring my family has shown me in this time. They have all, my father and sister, my aunt and uncle, and all my cousins, given selflessly to help me along. My friends have all lavished me with concern and hope as well; all the hospital visits, the gifts, the emails, the phone calls, and even checking in to read this blog. I am truly blessed. My buddy Pete dropped by last night. We hung out and talked and had a couple of beers. Pete came by to make sure I was ok. To make sure that I was ok. I love you guys!
One other constant I've found to be quite an asset is my sense of humor. For my next chemo visit I have a new shirt which proudly proclaims "My oncologist is better than your oncologist!" I hope Dr. Alter likes it. You need a sense of humor to make it through life, nobody gets out alive. So Chris, keep the sarcasm coming. Dave, continue churning out those sporadics. Dougie, get your ass over to this side of the pond.
I would like to add one last thing. I spent some time this week reading some things that I have written. Old stuff, poetry, emails, journals and the like. Without being too egotistical, I think that most of it is pretty good. Not so much any more. I've said it before, this chemo is really messing with my brain. I really hope that it is temporary. I read some stuff and my mind couldn't even comprehend that I wrote it. I thought it was someone else's work. There is no way right now that I could even come close to some of it. Even writing this is a struggle. I'm just trying to convey the frustration I have right now with the only thing I've been truly proud of in my life, my brain.
What are you? How are you? Who are you? Questions we've all had to deal with either from external inquiry or personal introspection. There are certain frames of reference we all use to help us answer them. Our basic beliefs about ourselves are constant, but circumstances will often shape our overall opinion of ourselves. You thought differently of yourself in your 20's than you do in your 30's. Significant life changes occur such as moving or changing jobs. Cancer has irrevocably changed the gestalt from which I see myself. Every time I evaluate myself the answer will always be in terms of the cancer, or at least it is for now.
Even within the realm of my new world there are differences, but they are of course based on the disease. First I was a cancer patient, a young man with an old man's disease. Then I was a fighter, aggressively challenging the physical hurdles of surgery. Then I was a chemo patient, physically depleted but determined. I was a recoverer, a rehaber, a "getting better by the day" kinda guy. For a brief time I even allowed myself to be a survivor, an ex-cancer patient. If the relapse has taught me anything it is that I will forever, in some way shape or form, wear a scarlet C upon my chest, sometimes in defeat, sometimes in victory.
This week I will be allowed a brief glimpse of normalcy. I will go to work, I will see my friends, I will quite possibly enjoy a beer or two. Hopefully my mind will even be clear enough to do some writing. (more on that in a bit) When the week is over I will drag myself in for another treatment and start it all over again. But I'll worry about that next Sunday.
Throughout this ordeal I've had many occasions for self evaluation. As I've stated before, I feel that I have lead the best life possible for me. In the face of death I cannot see any reason to change my path. I carpe my diem, I'm ok. I've found some wonderful things about being Billy. Within the gestalt of my own being there are constants that comfort me in my times of need, provide me with a reason to continue the battle, and give me the strength needed to continue. The most important are my family and friends. I cannot begin to describe with any accuracy the depth of love and caring my family has shown me in this time. They have all, my father and sister, my aunt and uncle, and all my cousins, given selflessly to help me along. My friends have all lavished me with concern and hope as well; all the hospital visits, the gifts, the emails, the phone calls, and even checking in to read this blog. I am truly blessed. My buddy Pete dropped by last night. We hung out and talked and had a couple of beers. Pete came by to make sure I was ok. To make sure that I was ok. I love you guys!
One other constant I've found to be quite an asset is my sense of humor. For my next chemo visit I have a new shirt which proudly proclaims "My oncologist is better than your oncologist!" I hope Dr. Alter likes it. You need a sense of humor to make it through life, nobody gets out alive. So Chris, keep the sarcasm coming. Dave, continue churning out those sporadics. Dougie, get your ass over to this side of the pond.
I would like to add one last thing. I spent some time this week reading some things that I have written. Old stuff, poetry, emails, journals and the like. Without being too egotistical, I think that most of it is pretty good. Not so much any more. I've said it before, this chemo is really messing with my brain. I really hope that it is temporary. I read some stuff and my mind couldn't even comprehend that I wrote it. I thought it was someone else's work. There is no way right now that I could even come close to some of it. Even writing this is a struggle. I'm just trying to convey the frustration I have right now with the only thing I've been truly proud of in my life, my brain.
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