Never mind that Susan, for now we'll just hoof it.

Functional. Today I feel functional. I can more easily describe my physical settings in terms of things I am not rather than things I am. I am not nauseous. I am not having gi issues. I am not too clouded. In another world, on the other side of the wall, my life is different. I am things, there, the things I am not are the exceptions, not the rules.

What are you? How are you? Who are you? Questions we've all had to deal with either from external inquiry or personal introspection. There are certain frames of reference we all use to help us answer them. Our basic beliefs about ourselves are constant, but circumstances will often shape our overall opinion of ourselves. You thought differently of yourself in your 20's than you do in your 30's. Significant life changes occur such as moving or changing jobs. Cancer has irrevocably changed the gestalt from which I see myself. Every time I evaluate myself the answer will always be in terms of the cancer, or at least it is for now.

Even within the realm of my new world there are differences, but they are of course based on the disease. First I was a cancer patient, a young man with an old man's disease. Then I was a fighter, aggressively challenging the physical hurdles of surgery. Then I was a chemo patient, physically depleted but determined. I was a recoverer, a rehaber, a "getting better by the day" kinda guy. For a brief time I even allowed myself to be a survivor, an ex-cancer patient. If the relapse has taught me anything it is that I will forever, in some way shape or form, wear a scarlet C upon my chest, sometimes in defeat, sometimes in victory.

This week I will be allowed a brief glimpse of normalcy. I will go to work, I will see my friends, I will quite possibly enjoy a beer or two. Hopefully my mind will even be clear enough to do some writing. (more on that in a bit) When the week is over I will drag myself in for another treatment and start it all over again. But I'll worry about that next Sunday.

Throughout this ordeal I've had many occasions for self evaluation. As I've stated before, I feel that I have lead the best life possible for me. In the face of death I cannot see any reason to change my path. I carpe my diem, I'm ok. I've found some wonderful things about being Billy. Within the gestalt of my own being there are constants that comfort me in my times of need, provide me with a reason to continue the battle, and give me the strength needed to continue. The most important are my family and friends. I cannot begin to describe with any accuracy the depth of love and caring my family has shown me in this time. They have all, my father and sister, my aunt and uncle, and all my cousins, given selflessly to help me along. My friends have all lavished me with concern and hope as well; all the hospital visits, the gifts, the emails, the phone calls, and even checking in to read this blog. I am truly blessed. My buddy Pete dropped by last night. We hung out and talked and had a couple of beers. Pete came by to make sure I was ok. To make sure that I was ok. I love you guys!

One other constant I've found to be quite an asset is my sense of humor. For my next chemo visit I have a new shirt which proudly proclaims "My oncologist is better than your oncologist!" I hope Dr. Alter likes it. You need a sense of humor to make it through life, nobody gets out alive. So Chris, keep the sarcasm coming. Dave, continue churning out those sporadics. Dougie, get your ass over to this side of the pond.

I would like to add one last thing. I spent some time this week reading some things that I have written. Old stuff, poetry, emails, journals and the like. Without being too egotistical, I think that most of it is pretty good. Not so much any more. I've said it before, this chemo is really messing with my brain. I really hope that it is temporary. I read some stuff and my mind couldn't even comprehend that I wrote it. I thought it was someone else's work. There is no way right now that I could even come close to some of it. Even writing this is a struggle. I'm just trying to convey the frustration I have right now with the only thing I've been truly proud of in my life, my brain.