The cancer battle continues. The rash crawling all over my body is getting a little better, certainly more tolerable. I haven't been sick since my last round of chemo. So things are looking up for now. I'll be able to enjoy the holidays at least.
In the last couple of years I've gone through a lot of new experiences. Being the cerebral person that I am, I have had a lot of fun examining everything from all possible sides. One of the more interesting scenarios I've run into is the reaction some people have when I tell them I have cancer. For those of you who aren't sure what to say;
What you should not say to someone who has just told you he has cancer:
"That's too bad. My father (mother, sister, mailman, dog, etc.) had cancer. He's (she's, it's) dead now." - Oh really? Is this supposed to be comforting? To this I usually reply "My uncle was walking around one day saying stupid shit. He's dead now."
"I'm sorry." - You can't possibly be apologizing to me! You didn't give me cancer. Or did you? If you're telling me you feel sorry for me, cut it out! I don't feel sorry for me. If you must, do it on your own time, I've got better things to do.
"Wow, you look pretty good for a guy with cancer." - Oh, but for a completely healthy person I look like total crap?
"You know, what you should do is..." - I appreciate your concern and good advice, I really do. But I'm the one that's been fighting cancer for two years now. Believe me, unless you have a secret cure for cancer that nobody knows about, if there is something I should, could, or would do, the suggestion has already crossed my path.
"God will get you through it." - No! My oncologist will get me through it. My surgeon will get me through it. I will get me through it. God is too busy laughing at the evangelicals. Besides, if I believe God will cure me, doesn't that mean I have to believe He's the one that gave it to me?
"That's horrible! I had a bad flu once." - ummmmmm......NO!
Things you should say to someone who has just told you he has cancer:
"Ooo, that sucks. Have a beer." - Yes, it does. And I like beer.
"I'll pray for you." - This is different from "God will get you through it." While I may be a heathen, if you have faith and it makes you feel better, go for it.
"Would you like free pie?" - I have cancer people, I'm not inhuman. Of course I'd like pie!
"How did you get it?" or "How bad is it?" - These are legitimate questions. And really, if there is anything I enjoy more than the sound of my own voice, it's the sound of my own voice telling a good story.
"So a priest, a rabbi, and a poodle walk into a bar..." - I enjoy a good joke. And this is a good time to make me laugh.
"That huge scar on your belly really turns me on. Take me now you sexy, sexy man." - You can say this to me if you are Heather, or Naomi, or Jodi, or Tracy, or Graz, or Ivy, or Meg or any other of my beautiful female friends. If you say it to me Dave, again, I'm gonna have to slap you.
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6 comments:
See all that time wasted on trying to be poinient and all we had to do was wave a six pack around. I should have guessed.
Well said!!
Wendy (fellow stage IV CC patient)
unconscionable said...
See all that time wasted on trying to be poinient and all we had to do was wave a six pack around. I should have guessed.
Is that a word poinient? I am guessing it means some sort of action where one throws the six pack instead of waving it around. Hrmmm. Could be fun. Christ knows I have waived and pointed a few six packs about in the past.
Who knows, Billy, maybe Melinda is onto something. It could not hurt to try, and I am sure Dave would bend over backwards to help you. (ho, ho! do you not admire how I worked that bend over backwards bit in there, insert your own joke here).
So, I have drank this chinese liquor in the last few hours and I can not tell if I am in a good or bad mood. It is very strange. Typing is fun though. I get a kick out of making these words appear. So, a chinese fellow gave me a bottle liquor the other day, and I decided to break open the bottle today. It is good to read you writing some more, and good to see you have your sense of humor still. We should get together sometime and drink some chinese liquor. I have a connection now.
Keep writing, and get some of that medical marijuana. Simmons lived next door to heroin dealer and did not get me any, but I am counting on you for the medical marijuana, or morphine. Whichever is easier for you.
yer pal,
Lance
p.s. Damn, those capchas can be hard when you are drinking.
..of course I want free pie and chips.. it's pie.. and chips.. for free!
you, my friend, do not know me, but you have read my mind, and typed it all nicely out on your own page. (now, mind you, i would have liked it to be typed out on my own page, BUT since I do not technically HAVE a page...yours will do fine for now.
the first one on your list of things NOT to say could not be further from the truth for me. what in the hell are people thinking sometimes...
Becca
As a stage four patient, I find that there are convenient times to tell people that I have colon cancer. For example ... at crowded restaurants. "We'll put you on the list, but you'll probably be waiting at least 30 minutes for a table." "I have cancer ... and it's stage four." "Oh ... ok, I'll see what I can do." It also works well when strangers ask me for money ... "Excuse me, I done run outta gas two blocks away and I was wondering -" "I have cancer ... and it's stage four." Works like a charm. The C-ticket is also good for manipulating family and friends. I think I could probably get ice cream delivered to my door any time of day or night, although I've not tried anything so extreme. Even still, those three words "I have cancer" can sometimes be quite handy, although I'd trade that power for an Erbitux-free complexion and a month without Xeloda.
- rthornton
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