C'mon! Put the shovel down and step away from the clown.

Benjamin Franklin once said "In this world nothing is certain but death and taxes."

It's a cycle. We are born, we live, and then we die. If we're lucky, somewhere along the way we get to enjoy a good steak and a beer in the company of a good woman.

On March 24th, 1969, in Teaneck New Jersey, my cycle began. Right now I'm paying my taxes. You know which part is left. Next Wednesday I'm going to have a cat scan to determine the efficacy of the chemo treatment and the progress of the cancer. Cat scans have been a regular part of my regimen for the last two years. In September 2004 it was a cat scan that found the first tumor. In early 2005, cat scans found other traces of cancer. Last summer I had a cat scan which, at the time, showed no signs of lingering cancer, it suggested I might be in remission. I spent a few months getting back to my old self. It seemed that all the fighting was worth while, that it had all worked. As a matter of procedure I was scheduled for a cat scan in December. I was a bit anxious about this one. Of course everyone, including myself, stayed positive. We knew that the scan would show that I was still cancer free, but in the back of my mind was the glimmer of the thought that it might show otherwise. Everyone said "don't' worry, it will be fine". The week in between the scan and discussing the results with my doctor, I was a little nervous. Thankfully I was in southern California for work that week, where the sun was warm and bright. I also got to hang out with Dave for the few days right before my doctor's appointment. All of this helped me to relax. I flew home, steeled myself, and went to see my oncologist. BAM, relapse. An interesting and curious side note here; I had a wonderful week right before I found out that I still had cancer which mirrored, in a way, my initial diagnosis. I had spent 3 months traveling around Europe right before they found the first tumor. There is a whole discussion I had with myself regarding the idea that the cosmos, (or God if you prefer) had given me this great opportunity because it was about to kick my ass real good. But that's a story for another post.

It's another double helix cosmic twist that my birthday is Friday, and my next cat scan is the following week. With these two dates converging as the current lunar phase comes to an end, my overactive mind has been keeping me up at night thinking about death, about my death. "Billy! How dare you!! You have to think positive" you say? Let's recap a little here. From the time I was 5, in my immediate family alone, I have lost my grandfather Carmello, my uncle Bobby, my uncle Tony, my aunt Dotty, my grandmother Rose, my aunt Josephine, my aunt JoAnne, my grandmother Anne and my mother. Cancer, the very same disease that is skulking around my body, took 5 of them, and I was there for each one. Throw in the overwhelming events of the last two years, including my past experiences with radiology, and it's easy to see how I'm obsessing over my next cat scan. My family history, along with a 12 year career in EMS, has given me, what I feel is, a healthy attitude about death; it's part of the cycle, it's natural, it's life. Not so much when I'm thinking about my own demise.

For now, I will spare you the exact details of my current anxieties, it is enough that you know that I'm coming apart at the seems, and falling further down the spiral. While the chances are good that the results of my cat scan will be encouraging, there is also a very real likelihood that my cancer has not retreated. There is a very real possibility that the cancer has grown, and there is no stopping it. Do you get that? It is not far fetched, it is solidly based in reality, that I could die from this. I'm spending my nights flipping around on my mattress, alone, counting the dimples in my drop ceiling. Or I'm squirming around on my couch while horribly inane shows flicker across my tv screen. Or I'm sitting in a dark room, smoke curling from my cigarette, pounding out incomprehensible drivel on my computer. Welcome to my world boys and girls.

Benjamin Franklin also said "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."