Not too long ago I had a conversation with a friend during which I mentioned the idea of moving to Europe, Amsterdam specifically. She asked me if I was serious, as if perhaps I was just speaking in the abstract. When I told her that I was serious, she was surprised. "What about your family? Your friends?" she asked. In turn, I was surprised. I thought that she knew me well enough to expect that I would be serious about such an idea.
I've always loved to travel and visit new places. I went to college in West Virginia, twice, have been across the country a few times, and have spent some time in Europe. While, up until this point, I have always returned to my little corner of New Jersey, I would not hesitate to take up residence some place else. I love my family dearly, and am very close to my friends, but it is this deep bond to all of them that allows me to venture to new places. My family and my friends will always be there for me, and I for them. And they all understand my nature. I have felt this way my whole life.
Perhaps it is the reassurance in the fact that I can always come home that has enabled me to feel I am not for ever tethered to New Jersey. I've always felt the possibility exists. I don't worry about how I will make my way, or where I will go, I am confident in myself and know that I can always make my life work. I've never seriously seen any impediment. Until now. Of course, that impediment, is my cancer.
During my last visit with my oncologist, it was suggested that I might not ever be free of this disease. It seems that I may never be rid of it, and may only keep it at bay, contained in small amounts, ever lurking, waiting to screw up my life. For ever. All of a sudden I have a leash. I have to worry about a job, so that I can afford my treatment. I have to be close to my doctors. I will need people to take care of me. If you know anything about me, you know that it is an incredibly difficult thing for me to need people to take care of me.
I had a mildly cohesive thought for this post. I have a million thoughts racing through my mind. I am angry at absolutely nothing, and worried that I am going to be taken over with sadness. I have no direction for my words right now, but I needed to write them out.
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3 comments:
I'm not any good at coming up with things to say when people are dealing with serious shit. Clowns? Clowns, I can comment on. But this is not a post about clowns.
Big hugs and much love, Billy!
I'll second the last guy. Everyone knows how to congratulate someone when something great happens, but this is a different gig. I can feel myself wanting to smile and say something syrupy and positive because isn't that what you're supposed to do? And besides, I think I tried that already.
How about this: Congratulations for staying focused and keeping the great things in life foremost in your mind and for not wallowing in a sty of self pity. That makes you a stronger and better man than most. I would have wet myself by now.
Billy,
We would love to have you come over here - even if it's just for a couple of months.
As for the covering the cost of the treatment, I have some thoughts but no time to write about them right now.
Seriously think about when you could come over and for how long and then let me know.
Thinking of you always.
xxxx
H
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